Living As A Cancer Survivor - Honest Evaluations Can Hurt - by Mark Everett Kelly

Source: Mark Everett Kelly (CKMagicSports/Worldwide Sports Radio Network)

https://www.ckmagicsports.com/living-as-a-cancer-survivor/honestevaluationscanhurt

Living As A Cancer Survivor - Honest Evaluations Can Hurt

If you have consistently read my blog (this is my 47th entry), you should have a good understanding of my personality. It's hard to put into perspective how I gauge my emotions every day. Nothing causes more stress and desperation than hearing someone I love, worried. I automatically speed through my mind how I could be responsible. I react that way because it breaks my heart to see a loved one hurting. 

NOTHING SPECIAL

I am under no exaggeration as to what my value is overall in society.  

Surviving cancer has created such a thorn in my side. I am grateful for surviving because of all the others that have suffered and died from this disease. However, I also find myself humiliated because of the ways it affected my body and took away so many things I loved. 

I can understand why those who lost someone to this disease would be offended by that. I don't feel that way all the time, but when I'm unable to walk because of the severe pain I deal with, or I can't leave my house due to Crohn's, I break down a little.

I am extremely tough on myself. I try to hold myself to a standard (I can hear the laughter of those who would disagree from here). For the majority of my life, I have tried to represent Christ with my actions, words, and behavior (that I know others are laughing at). It's hard to explain how much my relationship with Jesus means to me. I could not live without it. I know what touches my heart because God distinctly created specific characteristics that bring out tears, joy, sorrow, sincerity, and especially hope.

I am an empathetic person. I try my best to put myself in someone else shoes when they are experiencing something. I do my best no to judge others because I know how much I hate when others judge me.

HONEST EVALUATION MIGHT NOT BE POSITIVE

I think we all come to a point in life where we want to make a difference with the talents given to us. I'm certainly not unique when I say I have failed to accomplish those things. I'm trying, but lately, I look around and see the reality of what I have become. That scares me to death. 

What if I never achieve? What if I let everyone down who chose to believe in me? I look up and see zero followers on Patreon. I've had to chase people down who said they would get back to me. I've thoroughly embarrassed myself, reaching out to people asking for speaking opportunities. My book was a total failure (only 23 copies sold).

Former NFL Coach Bill Parcells says, "You are what your record says you are." Well, if that's the case, then the results are apparent. I want everyone to understand that I'm the last thing that someone would call a success. I have to prove myself every day as well.

JOHN WOODEN SPEAKS THE TRUTH

Former UCLA Head Coach John Wooden used to tell his players, "Never mistake activity for achievement." When you reach my age, you should have certain things that you earned. Everything I had, I was given. I don't feel like I can call myself anything other than a burden until the results say something different.

While I'm currently laying the groundwork to be self-supporting, I have experienced countless potholes. I find myself needing motivation most mornings to get out of bed. Some days my legs are so swollen I am unable to put on pants. Other days I can't go 10 feet without having to circle back because of stomach issues. The battle is exhausting at times.

WHY AM I SAYING THESE THINGS?

I can't expect those who read this blog to support someone who is phony. I despise artificial people and those who purposely deceive others. If I can't be honest with my failures and in my desire to be better, then how can I be trusted? My heart is pure, but it's broken. It's broken because I see others around me who need me to be better and achieve success. 

I would appreciate those who pray to please say a prayer for me this week. Someone close to me is also facing a situation that is causing an enormous amount of stress. 

BEING AN EXAMPLE

One thing I don't want to ever be is fake. I owe honesty, integrity, and sincerity to all who cross my path. I want everyone to know that it's OK if you don't feel like conquering the world every day. It's OK if you suffer from depression, loneliness, feeling left out, confused, or like you don't fit in. Do the best you can and don't be afraid to reach out to others who you trust. 

Living As A Cancer Survivor - Ghosts Of Christmas Pasts & Hope For 2020 - Mark Everett Kelly

SOURCE: Mark Everett Kelly/CKMagicSports/Worldwide Sports Radio Network (WWSRN)
https://www.ckmagicsports.com/living-as-a-cancer-survivor/ghostschristmaspasthopefor2020

Living As A Cancer Survivor - Ghosts Of Christmas Pasts and Hope For 2020

December 26, 2019

Mark Everett Kelly, seen here with his Uncle John Harper, is a 29-year survivor of Stage IV Rhabdomyosarcoma.

Merry day after Christmas, everyone. I had planned on continuing my post from last week on the Christmas of 1990. I wanted to say something else today, but I will do both things that I want to put in this blog today.

CHRISTMAS EVE/DAY 1990

I was released from Memorial Sloan-Kettering Hospital around 2:00 PM on Christmas Eve. I had so much stuff sent to me from friends and family since my admission that I needed four or five bags to fit all of my stuff.

Christmas Eve, I spent with my girlfriend, whom I had just started to date three weeks prior. A death notice from cancer wasn't the best gift idea, but to her credit, it did not scare her away. I had not been home since my diagnosis, so the feeling was one that I never experienced before. It was gloomy, strange, and awkward. I was happy to be home, but this was not the same home I left on December 10.

Christmas Day was much that same. Friends came over to see me, family stopped over, and we exchanged gifts, but no one who came over knew what to say. Hope was not present. The unknown invaded our house like someone coming to steal from us. Whenever the unknown is involved, things feel messed up. No one wants to say the wrong something. Everyone comes across your path picks up on that feeling. I hope I never experience that again. 

Whenever I visit families on the pediatric cancer floor, I see that look and feel that presence. Whatever you may be feeling this Christmas and whoever you are celebrating with this new year, please take a moment to pray for the other society that exists. I never could imagine such despair existed, but it does. 

There are also infants, babies, toddlers, young children, and teenagers facing a future that only existed in movies and other people's world. There are survivors facing cancer returning and the mental exhaustion of what that can entail. Count your blessings, and please encourage anyone open to helping the cancer community. 

LEARNING FROM 2019

Now that I got that out of the way, 2019 was a hard year for this blogger. I learned many hard, embarrassing lessons, and the timeline I gave myself to succeed following my divorce, I did not meet. That said, I did take encouraging steps in many directions. 

MY PRAYER FOR THE NEW YEAR - YOU MATTER

May God continue to shine His blessing on everyone. If you are alone and feel worthless, shame, guilt, lonely, and like you don't matter. You do. I think the same way. Don't blame God or believe that His promises aren't sufficient. The only thing we can do as believers or non-believers is to be present. Be accountable. Be honest. Be sincere. Give of yourself whatever you have. Use the talents God gave you to honor the fact that He created you for a specific purpose that was just yours. Realize, no other person in the world can give the world what you can. 

God knew YOU - how you think, how you feel, what you are sensitive to, what you are corrupted by, what your failures would be, your list of failures, lies, deceit. He knew all of it. However, He came to take those burdens and throw them away. That does not mean we continue to carelessly do those things because we know the price has been paid and covered. Much the same way, you would not continue to gorge yourself with food despite the bill already being paid. What you owe others, yourself, and your Creator - REAL. HONESTY. You try. You GET UP. You go to the people you lied to, betrayed, and let down, and you OWN UP. BE A MAN/WOMAN. Don't make excuses. 

Don't allow the shit in this world and lies of the enemy that wants to destroy you and take away that purpose that can transform others - whether you see it or not. You ARE Important. You DO MATTER. You are LOVED. Keep trying. Keep plugging. Your sins, mistakes, and transgressions are over. I am down now. I am hurting now. I am broke, behind on bills, and so fucking stressed about what other bills and payments I can't make. My body is breaking down. I have to drag my skinny ass out of bed and deal with pain, fevers, intestinal blockages, etc. 

The world sees me as a loser now. But I will continue to spit in the eye of the enemy that wants me to give up. That will NEVER happen. They will have to drag my skinny ass to the grave to stop me from fighting, kicking, and screaming. Keep fighting. Don't quit. You do matter. May God continue to bless and keep you. Happy New Year!

NO BLOG NEXT WEEK 

There will be no blog for the week of December 30.

To view episodes of “The Morning Boys” click on the photo.

MARK BACK ON SPORTS RADIO 

I now do a sports radio show every Tuesday and Friday from 8-11 AM EST. You can find all our shows, live and via podcast, here. 

WHERE TO FIND ME

I can always be reached by email (CKMagicSports@gmail or LivingAsACancerSurvivor@gmail). Please see the links below to follow me or contact me on social sites. I welcome (need) more followers and supporters. Please don't be shy about sharing your thoughts.  

NEED SUPPORT? 

Please reach out to me or anyone in the beautiful support groups on Facebook, Reddit, Tumblr, or other social sites.