Merry day after Christmas, everyone. I had planned on continuing my post from last week on the Christmas of 1990. I wanted to say something else today, but I will do both things that I want to put in this blog today.
CHRISTMAS EVE/DAY 1990
I was released from Memorial Sloan-Kettering Hospital around 2:00 PM on Christmas Eve. I had so much stuff sent to me from friends and family since my admission that I needed four or five bags to fit all of my stuff.
Christmas Eve, I spent with my girlfriend, whom I had just started to date three weeks prior. A death notice from cancer wasn't the best gift idea, but to her credit, it did not scare her away. I had not been home since my diagnosis, so the feeling was one that I never experienced before. It was gloomy, strange, and awkward. I was happy to be home, but this was not the same home I left on December 10.
Christmas Day was much that same. Friends came over to see me, family stopped over, and we exchanged gifts, but no one who came over knew what to say. Hope was not present. The unknown invaded our house like someone coming to steal from us. Whenever the unknown is involved, things feel messed up. No one wants to say the wrong something. Everyone comes across your path picks up on that feeling. I hope I never experience that again.
Whenever I visit families on the pediatric cancer floor, I see that look and feel that presence. Whatever you may be feeling this Christmas and whoever you are celebrating with this new year, please take a moment to pray for the other society that exists. I never could imagine such despair existed, but it does.
There are also infants, babies, toddlers, young children, and teenagers facing a future that only existed in movies and other people's world. There are survivors facing cancer returning and the mental exhaustion of what that can entail. Count your blessings, and please encourage anyone open to helping the cancer community.
LEARNING FROM 2019
Now that I got that out of the way, 2019 was a hard year for this blogger. I learned many hard, embarrassing lessons, and the timeline I gave myself to succeed following my divorce, I did not meet. That said, I did take encouraging steps in many directions.
MY PRAYER FOR THE NEW YEAR - YOU MATTER
May God continue to shine His blessing on everyone. If you are alone and feel worthless, shame, guilt, lonely, and like you don't matter. You do. I think the same way. Don't blame God or believe that His promises aren't sufficient. The only thing we can do as believers or non-believers is to be present. Be accountable. Be honest. Be sincere. Give of yourself whatever you have. Use the talents God gave you to honor the fact that He created you for a specific purpose that was just yours. Realize, no other person in the world can give the world what you can.
God knew YOU - how you think, how you feel, what you are sensitive to, what you are corrupted by, what your failures would be, your list of failures, lies, deceit. He knew all of it. However, He came to take those burdens and throw them away. That does not mean we continue to carelessly do those things because we know the price has been paid and covered. Much the same way, you would not continue to gorge yourself with food despite the bill already being paid. What you owe others, yourself, and your Creator - REAL. HONESTY. You try. You GET UP. You go to the people you lied to, betrayed, and let down, and you OWN UP. BE A MAN/WOMAN. Don't make excuses.
Don't allow the shit in this world and lies of the enemy that wants to destroy you and take away that purpose that can transform others - whether you see it or not. You ARE Important. You DO MATTER. You are LOVED. Keep trying. Keep plugging. Your sins, mistakes, and transgressions are over. I am down now. I am hurting now. I am broke, behind on bills, and so fucking stressed about what other bills and payments I can't make. My body is breaking down. I have to drag my skinny ass out of bed and deal with pain, fevers, intestinal blockages, etc.
The world sees me as a loser now. But I will continue to spit in the eye of the enemy that wants me to give up. That will NEVER happen. They will have to drag my skinny ass to the grave to stop me from fighting, kicking, and screaming. Keep fighting. Don't quit. You do matter. May God continue to bless and keep you. Happy New Year!
NO BLOG NEXT WEEK
There will be no blog for the week of December 30.
