Brandon Bentley was introduced to porn on TV and Playboy, on such a regular basis that it became his ritual. He grew up dreaming about sex. He lost his virginity when he was 16, and she was the first of over 100 encounters. Despite Brandon’s obsession with sex, he really just wants a steady relationship with a woman who really cares about him. Can Dr. Dollar speak into his life?
Sex Addiction: The flight from intimacy
By: Joe Zychik
| The sexually addicted person trying to overcome sex addiction copes with
two separate problems. The first, and the most obvious, is using sex as
an escape. The second, and much more difficult to deal with, is what I
call "the flight from intimacy." The flight from intimacy causes sex to be used as a substitute for genuine intimacy. The sex addict also uses sex the same way an overeater uses food, the alcoholic uses booze and a drug addict uses heroin: to escape dealing with reality. In both cases the sexually addicted person's life worsens. His attempt to escape reality fails as all such attempts do, and his intimacy issues worsen because instead of working through them, he relies on an inadequate substitute. From the perspective of intimacy, the man struggling with a masturbation and/or pornography addiction has an addiction which competes with any intimate relationship he enters. In some cases he becomes so engrossed in his addiction he avoids intimate relationships.   Playing with Fire: The Dangers of Sexual Sin - 4 CDs  When he seeks help, he'll be told by conventional, licensed therapy and the 12-step program that the first thing he has to do is stop addictively using masturbation and/or porn. Motivated by fear and desperation, he'll probably stop, but not for long. He'll be back at it even if he stops correctly because conventional, licensed therapy and the 12-step program fail to recognize that masturbation/porn is a symptom, not the problem. The problem is the flight from intimacy. The person who is serious about stopping a masturbation and/or pornography addiction and achieving a good chance of long-term success needs to focus on intimacy issues first, then the addiction. When the intimacy issues are resolved his chances of long-term success improve dramatically. As I mentioned in previous articles, the intimacy issues are not childhood ones; they are adult intimacy issues. Sex addiction is not an impersonal addiction like alcohol, pot, tobacco, or hard drugs. It is "The Most Personal Addiction." The sexually addicted person struggling with any of the forms of sexual addiction including compulsive masturbation, pornography addiction, promiscuity, infidelity, voyeurism, etc. has created an emotional attachment to his addiction. For the purpose of long-term success, before the addiction can be overcome, the personal attachment must be overcome first. If it is not, the sex addict will crave sexual addiction like an abandoned lover longing for the greatest passion of his life. Once the personal aspects are overcome, sex addiction is no longer his great lover. It is revealed for what it was from the beginning: a flight from intimacy. Then long term success becomes achievable. Neither the shy child nor the outgoing child is doomed to become sexually addicted - because the intimacy problems involved with sexual addiction do not begin in childhood. They begin and end with adult choices. No one needs to waste years contemplating childhood traumas to overcome sex addiction. The answer begins with understanding yourself as the person you are, not the person you were decades ago. One of the great rewards of overcoming sex addiction lies in genuinely fulfilling the need for emotional, romantic, and sexual intimacy in the present. | |||
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